I wanna be that one, so I am setting new goals.

I want to be that one.

The one that no one knows....the one that lost weight the hard and right way and kept it off. No offense to the diet pilled, starvation pathed or other alternative route to lose weight...just not my thing. Although little caffeinated pills are awfully tempting.....I would never. Some people lose weight in manners I never will but that doesn't mean it's wrong for them....just to make it clear.

Anyway, I don't know very many people that have been my body size, worked hard, learned to eat right, dropped ALL the weight, looks great, feels great and has NEVER gained it back.

Seriously, I don't really know anyone.

I know their out there...but where?

Who to look up to?...can it seriously even be done? Can you be fat then thin?...please don't count pregnancy....

I have NOT been working hard this past month. In fact I have gained SIX EMBARRASSING POUNDS IN ONE MONTH. And again, ALL my post are negative.....I am very sorry. But, losing weight by healthy eating and exercising takes a lot of work and determination...tons of that btw. And sometimes it's just too hard! Too hard! Too hard! I can never say that enough....

I am DETERMINED...

but not really, or I would be acting more upon my hard to reach, mind gnawing goals.

I have STOPPED RUNNING....after suffering a tremendous arch injury I took a break then when I healed I just well......got lazy again. And now I weigh 6 lbs more then I did a month ago because of that and my big fat appetite.

I can still run a mile and half....and quite well...but my three mile runs are gone...as for my healthy eating....well it's gone...gone I tell ya..."What's an apple again?...I forgot what it taste like!"

The only thing I have lost this month. is well....2 miles....and desire. Then I gained fear, weight, regret, a thicker chin...cause that's where my 6 pounds went...

This next month I hope its weight that I lose...oh and all my lazy bum excuses.

20th times a charm....right?...sooooo *sigh*...and *blushing with regretful embarrassment*....
Here are my NEW goals...again and again and again...I know always goals never lasting results. But I can not give up...

I just can't!!!!

FITNESS GOALS: goal end date Sept 30th (which is in celebration of my proposal date that took place 7 years ago...oh to be my "proposal date weight" again....)

Goal #1: For 3 weeks straight I am going to run 1.5 miles.....just once a week.
Goal # 2: Go on long walks twice a week while pushing the stroller. I plan to walk London to school just once a week, take Piers to a nearby park then walk London home from school when he is done. So a total of 5ish miles that day. Then my other walk for the week will just be somewhere random...but with a start and end goal...like the store, the duck pond...etc. And walking to the Creamery or the Wilk for a mint brownie won't count!
Goal # 3: work on arm toning 1-2 days and abs 1-2 days. With some quite yoga stretches....maybe some of my fave 'downward dog'....

That should be 'low key' enough.

Eating Goals: again end date of Sept 30th, then 'regoal'...

Goal# 1: No sugar during the school week....so diabetic poison is only permitted on the weekends.
Goal#2: Smaller portions....control, control, control.
Goal #3: take my multi and B-complex vitamins every day!!!

If I follow these goals I will lose weight, I just have to actually stick to it!

Moving on....This sounds totally lame and a quick fix and definitely not a long term fix...but I want to reward myself with something at every 10lb mark....it's worth the try...right? Of course everything I gift myself will have to cost money, because everything that is rewarding to me cost money...I know p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. And unfortunately I am not going to reward myself with any type of food or food related item or event etc, etc, etc... Oh and I am very well aware that all the gifts are temporary self image boosters....

Here are two of my 'non set in stone' self-gifting ideas:

1st ten pounds I lose and keep off: Treat myself to a spray tan from a salon. I am too scared of skin cancer to lay in the glowing beds but obviously I am not worried about the chemicals that possibly run through my liver......soooooo Mystic Tan it is!!! I am hoping to gain my summer tan in October!

2nd 10 pounds I lose and keep off: A new pair of jeans...cause I'll need them!!!! Someone said...and this is just may as well be 'hear say' BUT...for every 15 lbs-ish you lose is another dress size down! So I am going to buy a cute pair of bum cheek flattering jeans which I hope to be sproting for Thanksgiving.

I will stop here for now and when I have lost 20lbs I will reevaluate my system and if I still want to 'gift' my accomplishments then I will think of things I want at that time.


Whoooo...now that I have thoroughly embarrassed myself for gaining weight and losing desire and then telling you all about my failure.....I can hopefully progress forward as my scale 'scales' backward with all my new goals in action!


p.s.

And obviously I WILL NOT be ready for any sort of half marathon in October like I had planned...now that's a self 'let down'. But hopefully by Spring or Summer 2010.

Mark my words...or typed statement...

I will run a half marathon in 2010....
and I will wear smaller sized pants while running it ;)!...pinky swear!

Insprational quote:

Eleanor Roosevelt:
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

In my case....'be that one'!

Freedom.

I ran in my first 5K race. It was MY race more then anyone will ever know. Obviously there were 2,000 other people out there and quarter to a half of them probably first timers. But it felt like my race. I actually, I use that word seriously, did it...I never thought I could. But I did. My day was more rewarding then any day that I have had in a long time. I felt powerful and had a great sense of accomplishment. I have inspired myself to keep going, continue with my running and to start working harder to lose the weight. I had great plans to run a half marathon in the spring of 2010 in Moab, Utah...but I changed my mind. I want to run a half marathon here in October. That too will be MY race.

I have got my husband on board with the marathon. I felt sad to run the 5k on the 4th alone. Almost everyone had there spouse with them. I wanted Jeffrey and the boys with me, I felt sad that I missed London's 1 mile race. Which I am so PROUD to report that he ran almost the whole mile!!!!! Stopping only twice for a minute or so to "rest his legs". He finished in about 13 min. Which is so impressive to me!! My chip time was 43:34 which was a bit of a disappointment. My slowest time with that run that I have ever had and I was racing. It was uphill at the end, my arch was strained *triple ouch*...seriously worse foot pain ever!...and my other lamo excuses...I have not ran on pavement in 2 months, I was running in and towards the sun and it was early in the morning. I normally have been running on the tracks and treadmills and in the evening!! So it was all different for me. BUT, I really don't care...I did it and I am beyond thrilled!!!!

Marathon Talk:

For the marathon in October, I am going to have to be MOTIVATED, DEDICATED and CONSISTENT!!!

In order to remember how I felt the day I ran the 5k for the Freedom Race I am going to mention some of my feelings both good and bad which I wan to use as one of the motivations for my Marathon that I can came back to during training and relish on in times where I feel unmotivated, hoping this will motivate me!!


5k feelings...
In the car I felt NERVOUS...so nervous I wanted to cry.
When I got out of the car and was dropped off I first felt alone and scared. But then I felt an ENORMOUS amount of pride in myself...that I set a goal and I was there when it was time to fulfill the goal. When I started running I felt honor and gratitude for the opportunity. I remembered and felt thankful for the friend that got me started running back in the spring. I was proud of my mind and body...that it got me there. When I was running I felt strong and like nothing could get in the way of the aspirations I have for myself. My last 1/4 mile I started almost hyperventilating because of strong emotions. When I saw Jeffrey, camera in hand, at the finish line...he kept yelling "your doing great keep going, I am sooo proud of you, go Nessa"....I could not believe how wonderful that would have ever felt. Running has become a true passion of mine and my husband has recognized it's importance to me, he knew I wanted this more then anything. What a great support he has been. When I crossed the line I realized how much my foot hurt, how thirsty I was and how much I wanted to find my family. It all felt good...even the negative stuff. The rest of the day I felt truly content with myself, I was happy and playful and I owe it all to my hard work and my accomplishment.

Anyone can do anything. I am living proof...here I am...I never have been athletic or a runner...I am overweight...I have two small children...I have asthma and severe seasonal allergies...I have terrible shins and practically flat feet. All these things worked against my training...but I stuck to it, pushed through the hard stuff that continued to stand in my way and I did it.

5K-EVE and an October announcement.

It has finally come, I have actually done it!!! Tomorrow is race day and I am ready !!! I can't even believe it! This is how my runs have been going.....I am comfortably running my 3 miles again. My first half mile is great then for the next mile after that until the 1.5 mile mark I feel HORRIBLE (more mental then anything) and want to stop, at about 1.5-2 miles I feel a little better and my last mile is a cinch!!! SO I am ready. I suffered a killer arch injury the other day. But it is healing better...I am sure I can run through it. I am get insoles tonight...and going to run about 1/4 mile to test them out. I don't obviously want to run tonight or I wont make it tomorrow!!!

I am so excited. I don't think anybody has any idea how much this means to me! I didn't really ever think I would actually be able to convince my mind and body to do this. I run 3 miles now, but running in an actual race is so amazing to me. Last year I was attending a ward breakfast to celebrate the fourth of July. Many of acquaintance's and friends weren't there due to 4th of July races and biking...etc. I thought they were crazy. I understand now that no pancake breakfast or Balloon Lift (which I am missing this year) can get in the way of someones determination. I am so proud of myself. I am thrilled that I stuck with it day after day, week after week and month after month.

Well I am off to pick up my running packet, get my bib number and rest myself for the day. I am so happy.

I was leaving the gym...I started running on the treadmill due to a recent Provo predator on campus. Anyway as I was walking the boys from the gym to the car, London picked up a flyer. I didn't even read it until yesterday. It reads: Provo Half Marathon, October 31, 2009.

I was going to run in the spring in the Moab Half Marathon, but I changed my mind. I am running here in Provo on Halloween.

Course of Action:

I am going off sugar form July 5th until after Race Day. Exception July 25th which is both Londons b-day party and Jeffrey's actual b-day.

August 1st: I will be completely off soda. I love diet caffeine free soft drinks, I don't drink them often but I think it will help get me off sugar easier if I replace the sugar with diet soda for a couple a weeks....it's worked in the past temporally.

August 1st: I plan to be running regular 5mile runs.

September 1st: Running regular 8 mile runs.

October 1st: Running regular 8 mile runs, with long run days of 10-11ish miles

October 31st: Run 13 mile 1/2 Marathon!!!


Well, lots of luck to me tomorrow and for the next few months with my

HALF MARATHON TRAINING!!!

{3} miles.

Seriously, everything stinks right now. This post is awfully familiar to all the others. Frankly, the process of losing weight is absolutely horrible. The training process for running is also a gruesome experience, it is taking a huge toll on me.

Although, I can blog a huge goal reaching, accomplishment..... I ran 3 miles. For lack of time I didn't post about it at the time. It was a couple of weeks back, I believe. I ran it in 40 minutes and 55 seconds. So yes one glorious evening I RAN 3 MILES...finally. It felt SO good I wanted to just bawl my little heart out when I had finally finished my first 3 mile run. It felt absolutely incredible.

Today I want to cry and flood myself with gigantic tears for a different reason...tonight and the night before I have only been able to push...PUSH myself to a mile...what the heck???? I did unintentionally take a week off. But come on. I shouldn't have lost so much strength and momentum. My 5K race is in one week from today and the thought makes me even more upset. I am seriously very sad. I can do better, but yet I feel can't. This is too hard.

I have yet more excuses, as I do in every post. First excuse, it's getting hot here. Second excuse, I as always feel dehydrate. Third familiar excuse, I am really tired, I can't seen to go to bed at a normal hour. And finally my fourth pathetic excuse, I took a week, that's right, a week off. Like I said unintentionally. Anyway. I am setting yet more goals, that I can't seem to grasp the first time I set them. I hit goals then totally start slacking. I can't do that, it's too hard to keep stepping backwards before I can even inch forward.

Did I mention how hard it is to keep up running. Why do I even want to keep going?...it obviously sounds like I am not enjoying it. I really have never enjoyed it, I started this for the very reason that I want to lose weight. Running helps....right? Maybe if I was eating better the weight would start doing that losing thing again :) I wanted to set a fitness goal and actually ACCOMPLISH IT. So that is what I did and that is what I am going to finish! I have worked this hard and struggled this much and have actually worked up at one point to the 3 miles, there is no way I am going to cave now. My pathetic one mile runs aren't going to bring me down, cry maybe, but not down. I am staying up and I am going to do this!!! I am going to run my first 5k and NOT stop. I am going to lose weight. I am going to stick to my goals. I have stuck to them more then I ever have before, so I can't stop now.

More sleep, more water, more determination, maybe a running buddie, maybe new shoes, maybe change the time I run to avoid the heat....maybe these things will help. Maybe. At least for this week. ;)

After July 4th aka RACE DAY, I am heading back to the gym to balance my workouts. Running is something I don't plan on stopping but I would like to do other things again, such as my fave, the ELLIPTICAL *a tear for the absence of*. I am seriously twitching in excitement to get back on! I stopped because I was focusing on increasing my miles for the race and it was interfering with that goal. Now that I just need to maintain (for now) my miles, I can start cross training too. They say when you run to also cross train, but it was affecting me. Anyway.

Here I go again drinking more water while I go to bed early to rise earlier and RUN MY 3 miles.

{2 miles}

Well....I did it, I pushed myself, I made up for the recent "once a week run" slacking, I ran TWO MILES TONIGHT for seriously the first time in my entire life. I have been working so hard!!! I starting drinking more water, going to bed just a bit earlier, prayed for the help and motivation I was seeking and did all the other things that I was needing to do to get over the 'rut' I was unfortunately in....then I set a new distance goal and got out there and RAN! It worked! I didn't even start feeling a bit tired until I hit my 1.5 mile mark. The last half mile was rough...but that's what it takes to progress. Lately, at my mile I am really tired and it takes everything to push to 1.5 miles but not this time I flew to 1.5 miles then dragged to the end..well except my last minute to the end...I picked up my speed for a little extra work, it'll help with my next run. I am very proud of myself. I believe that I can do anything when it comes to running, it'll just take simple things like consistency, work and time. It has taken a lot of time to get were I am now and in time I will be running my 5K, in time I will be running half marathons and in time I will be running full marathons. And hopefully all with good times.

All in time.



When I first starting running a couple months back, I was feeling like this day would NEVER come...that I would be able to run 2 miles in 26 minutes with hopefulness for the next run and with a great desire to keep progressing. Back then, I seriously wanted to keep going but really felt in my mind that I wouldn't actually progress with running. Now, when my runs are done...I feel great...that feeling is what keeps me heading out the door and running, over and over and over again. Next weeks update, 2.5 miles...you just wait and see...you-just-wait-and-see.

I am ready!

it's hard, not easy.

I have actually stuck to something for more then just a week or a month. I have been running since April or March-ish. I AM NOT by any means where I need to be for my distance goals. For example I only ran a mile tonight. I have worked up to 1 3/4 miles and could only kick out a mile. Oh boy is regression a downer!! I haven't regressed super bad. I think by Friday (and it's Tuesday) I can get back up to my 1 3/4 miles or plus (hopefully)...I do this all the time. I should just never stop or slack and I would be running the 5K that I need to be running in order to not embarrass or disappoint myself on July 4th. Someone told me that if I could run a comfortable mile or so then come race day my adrenaline can push me to the 3.1 miles I need to run in order to complete the race. I don't believe that is going to be my case. The days when I run 1 3/4 miles...I am seriously about to die...seriously...I have lost all endurance, oxygen and DESIRE at that point. A race won't change that for me...I don't have a competitive personality. Anyways. I have plans (as always) to get going like cRaZaaZee this week. This is my 'push' week. I will let you know how it goes.


After my run tonight I threw myself on the couch with total and complete exhaustion after only completing a mile but worked up to 1 3/4 miles. I just laid there thinking why cant I feel good after a run anymore? Have I loss momentum, drive and desire to KEEP GOING? Why am I so stinkin' tired? So I analyzed a few things that are drawing me back from my goal of running more. Here are a few of those thoughts that I think might be keeping me from my much desired goal:

#1 Water: I realized that I seriously...seriously could not remember the last time I drank a glass of water...seriously...4 days, 2 days, 7 days...I have NO IDEA!!! I did swig some water on Sunday evening to take some ibuprofen...but before that or since then I have no idea. I know it's crazy. I only like water if it is a habit for me at the time, but I quickly get out of the habit. Once I force myself for about a week to drink a lot, then I LOVE it. But I honestly do not have a desire to drink water to begin with. I know it sounds just as weird to me as it does to you. No wonder I feel tired right know.

#2 I am backed up on house work: this can seriously mess with my energy and mood when my home is not in order. For some unknown reason I connect a tad of my self worth and self confidence with my homes appearance and tidiness or lack of. It stresses me out to behind on anything...it freezes me all up. Especially housework, it is my job and all, to stay at home and tend to my home and family. SO when my home is a mess I feel I am calling into work to much and I start getting a "your about to be fired" sensation. I know, this is just as weird as not drinking water.

#3 Prayer: My thoughts and prayers have been focused on something else pressing in my life and I have forgot to ask for the things and help I am needing and I have also been unfortunately forgetting to be thankful for all that I have been blessed with concerning my running and health. I need prayer to get through such a hard to reach goal.....and a lot of it.

#4 Bored: I just get bored. Once I have accomplished more then I thought I would be able to then mentally I kinda give up. Example: I really didn't think I could EVER run this upcoming 5K, but when I ran a mile awhile back for the first time, I was like whoaaa....I can run a mile... then I tell myself...ya I'm cool I can run a mile...good enough...goal reached...NOT!

#5 Bedtime: Basically, I am getting NO sleep. I am up late and forced out of bed early by my active babies.

So, tonight I am drinking water, making a plan for tomorrows housework, praying for the much needed guidance and comfort that I need while thanking my Heavenly Father for the goals I have obtained and then I am telling myself that I HAVE done a great job but my goals are NOT FULLY obtained yet and going to bed early (opps to late for that, tomorrow night perhaps).

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow I will be hydrated.

Tomorrow I will have a clean, organized home.

Tomorrow I will be on my knees.

Tomorrow I will run further, harder, faster.

Then I will go to bed early.

And I start TONIGHT.

Then I will wait and see if this helps. I bet it will.

one MILEstone down.

I have been trying my dang hardest to stick to the Couch-to-5K running plan. I have been doing the 3 required days on the training with a friend and then doing one hard, longer run by myself on a fourth day, all while working up to a 30 min stair stepper routine once a week and a 40-60 min elliptical routine also once a week. I know it sounds obsessive to go on the eliptical for a whole hour...but once you have worked up to that time, it's easy and I enjoy it, and then it makes the rest of the weeks workouts so much easier. FYI: according to the elliptical, I burned 820 calories with my one hour eliptiacl workout, which is calculated by the time, distance, speed and then your weight that you enter in. When I first got on the eliptical back in November ish, I was having major troubles doing 10 min. I am so impressed with how quick your body can improve and adjust. Also, I am still pumpin' the little iron my weak body can lift in hopes of a firmer...ummm...everything.

So last night I went out on my long-hard run for the week, my initial goal that I contemplated all day on was run 4 min, rest while walking, then run 6 min...the same run I had done for my long run last week. If you are in shape or a runner I know you are just cracking up right now at my wee-lil goal...but it's big for me...one day it will be a warm up but today it is a huge accomplishment for me to run any length of time, so plithhhhh. Anyway. As I was walking to warm up, I was really contemplating to just run with no breaks. I had mapquest-ed out a mile a while back just for future reference so I knew where I needed to go to start and where I needed to end. Sure enough I started and saw my first 4min goal fly but didn't stop like originally planned then kept going till I ran for 10 min 2 sec and realized I was really close to or at the the mile mark. I walked really fast home in excitement, I had Jeffrey throw the keys out the back of our second story apartment and I jumped into the car and drove the route to ensure map quests milage accuracy...sure enough it was exactly a mile......I could not and can not believe that my first mile ran in my adult life was accomplished so quickly into my training and then done at a fairly decent speed. 10min 2 sec. REMARKABLE. Today I only ran 3/4 of my mile, it was pouring cold Utah rain and I could not seem to keep my footing on the slick cement. I was having killer shin splints...much deserved considering I ran my first mile last night then 30 min stair stepper this morning then out to run again....crazy I know...but I am so determined. So here I am requiring myself a break tomorrow, with a bag of frozen peas on my sore right shin and mixed veggies on the other excruciating shin complaining to Jeffrey about how stupied I was for going out and straining myself. But with all this pain I am still on cloud nine.

Weight Update: I haven't been seeing much results in my weight loss....I know if I keep it all up it will come. I have noticed again clothing fitting better. I did although lose 2 lbs last week. I am so impatient, I just want to be at my goals both exercise and weight instantly. I am a total of 18 lbs down since last August, when we moved here. I have a lot more weight to go.

It will come. Patience.

In the meantime, congrats to me for a mile well done and rest for my shins ;)

P.S. I registered my spot in the race for July 4th, 5K here I come...also my little London is doing the Milefun Run/Walk that moring too. Jeffrey is going to walk the side line next to him...they have a catagory for children Londons age...it will be so cute and I am sad that I wont be able to see it live, only on the video camera...but I will be happy that I am off running my very own race too.

AAA. by Nessa

April Ab Adventure. aka. AAA
For the next month I have another marvelous plan to get into shape...a good shape hopefully :) and preferably not a circle....not a fan of that shape...it's to circly. I prefer a trim hourglass shape. Anyway. I am very serious about this plan. It's a month that I focus on my mid section. So I have put together this ab workout with the help of the the glorious internet and a schedule that I am going to do Mon-Fri with a one day break during the week if needed, for the whole month of April. My exceptions are sickness, emergencies or ab injuries.

Workout Plan: The Super Set

This technique uses two exercises in combination. You perform the first ab exercise, and then move immediately to the second ab exercise with no rest.
After you complete the second ab exercise rest, before repeating the sequence again.
Example: crunches, plank, rest, crunches, plank, rest, crunches, plank, rest.

Super Set 1:
Crunches and Leg Raises. Do 10 crunches and then move directly to 20-30 sec of leg raises.

Super Set 2:
Russian Twists and Oblique Crunches: Do 10 repetitions of the seated Russian Twists and then do 10 oblique crunches, then rest.

Super Set 3:
Bicycle Crunches and Plank Pose. Do 10 repetitions bicycle crunches then without rest do 20-30 sec in plank.

I can change up the exercises if desired.

Do a super set three times through then go on to the next super set until you finish all three sets or do all three sets in a row three times...its a lot of work but it will pay off. I plan to add another super set when I feel ready. You should join in and do it too or make your own April Ab Adventure!!!

Also, I finally for once in my life found someone who I can start a running plan with. I really want to do the Freedom 5K on July 4th. I believe I can do it.

Here is the link to the plan I am following.
It's called The Couch-to-5K Running Plan.
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Nessa

Backward Rambles.

I've hopped...no jumped or leaped off my routine.

One huge leap backwards.

I was doing soooo good....what happened?

Well...
My grueling monthly cycle that inhibited me from even leaving my home and leaving me to function at minimal human capacity...breathing is all I accomplish at that dreaded time.

Then a birthday which involved lots of treats and laziness. Excuses I know.

Then I was so sick I couldn't breathe....good thing that wasn't earlier in the month attached with my first excuse. I thought I would give myself and everyone at the gym a break, as I hacked all over them and the equipment I am sure I wasn't appreciated. Not only could I not carry on anymore...I was embarrassed to do so....coughing out of your lungs uncontrollably can really gross people out. I am sure. So I gave myself a much needed sick day or dayssssss.

Then we moved...how exhausting, I felt I needed more of a break.

Then skiing....ouch....more of a break.

Then another monthly cycle.

Now just excuses.....what is going on? Why can't I pick back up?

I am so out of it...February is gone. And now I have a feeling of pure disappointment. I could be 10 lbs down by now and 10x stronger...I could have gained so much more endurance.......and self esteem. I would be a lot happier then my current state of disappointment. I just want it to end...I just want to be done working so hard...well or lately, thinking so hard about it. Not that I want to ever stop working hard...I do want to keep what I hope one day soon I can obtain. Then it will be a diffrent kind of hard.

I have to keep telling myself like I always have to....don't blame.

Don't blame Nabisco :), cycles, birthdays, sickness.....myself.
Why is that others can just work through it....but I can't.

Jeffrey loves me how I am, but I want better for him. I want him to have a healthy, energized, happy wife who looks a wee bit better.

My children love me, but I want them to learn from my example of good health, I want them to know I am happy and content with ME, I want them to know I care enough about our family to be healthy and strong for our futures. How can I teach London that his body is a temple and to not draw on himself when I am addicted to sugar and totally inactive.
Isn't Mommy's body a temple too?

I went to the gym Tuesday...haven't been in weeks. That is right WEEKS. Where did the time go? Anyway, I did 20 min on the stair stepper and did some toning with some weight and resistances machines. Yeah for me and my body!

went home.
felt good.strong.happy.but sore.
ate horrible. I was so sore from the work out that I chose not to cook a normal meal...so mac and cheese it was!!! Then, Twizzlers.
then I felt bad.

I feel like I eat when I am really up and when I am really down.

I love to bake, cook, research recipes, plan meals and shop for food.
I love to celebrate with treats.
And holidays...well you know how that goes....but mine start early and end late. As soon as the Easter stuff was out I was looking. Easter is forever away! and I already want hose treats.

How can I be so anti sugar but yet can't live, not even one day, with out. I hate it more then I enjoy it.

I came across a blog from another blog that I read about addictions. I know this seems silly but I feel it's not. I feel I have to have yummy food over healthy food, therefore I am addicted to junk. I can't live without sugar. Or pizza. And yes I know you can have those things and be healthy but I overeat it...so I can't right now. Maybe I should learn.

Her is my current plan...again.
That is the only way it is going to work is to not 'give up' after my 'give up'.
So I am planning on going forward and halting my backward direction.
I plan to make a new habit out of the gym....again.
I plan on eating just a bit better....mainly focusing on portions and sugar control...again.

This is totally not usually me....but, the past couple of days I have been using diet caffeine free generic coke to curb any sugar cravings. Soda is bad for your endurance and health. It's not something you want to drink for health or while trying to improve your workout...but it's helping with the sugar stuff. So for just a bit I am replacing my addiction with another harmful habit. I know sounds stupid. BUT, just momentarily...I am talking a week or so and that is it. I have done it in the past and it works for the current time. Now I just need to fix the long term sugar craving issue.

I plan on having a better post next post...more uplifting and hopeful. Because I do have hope...just a little, but I still have some. I can't totally just give up, I don't want to, but lately I felt like I should. I have had thoughts of just staying the way I am and learning to cope and be content. BUT I know that is not what I really want at all. I am just tired of having to even think about it, think about being overweight, thinking about my unhealthy state etc... So I apparently need to change my life. I am also trying not to worry about my recent past motivation and how it quickly dwindled... which is causing the thought of it never working....never weight loss, never healthy. I know I can do it again. I just need a considerable amount of dedication, prayer and belief in myself that I can overcome and conquer this. I just have this dark lingering thought..."I have only met a few people that have actually lost a lot of weight, I don't know anyone who has lost a lot of weight and kept it off." Please don't let that be me. I wan tot lose it and never find it again. It takes change...real lifelong change.

My ski instructor said to me that skiing is 90% confidence in yourself and 10% knowledge.

I feel it with weight loss too.

So I have my 10%...I know why, how and what to do.

Now I am getting my 90% back and this time I want to keep it...at least most of it.

challenge.

So it feels as though this whole month has been a huge, gigantic, impossible to overcome CHALLENGE. First with my birthday, then moving, Valentines Eve, Valentines Day, and then the days following Valentines until all the candy was devoured, my in-laws visiting and spoiling me with buffets of desserts and PIZZA. Too much too handle.

So much temptation.

And I caved....I am a food sinner.

Not to mention my workouts...thheeeeeppp....can I cry at the thought?

What a challenging time for me lately.

At least I didn't gain back what I have previously lost. The only thing I have lost in the past two weeks was confidence, desire and drive....oh and the great feeling of accomplishment....I have missed that in my days....I loved telling myself "I DID IT!"

Speaking of accomplishment....the only thing I accomplished was a bag of Valentine M&M's and homemade Valentine truffles...I am still aching from those.

So anyway.

REDO!!!! Lets just throw out my yesterdays and look forward to my new week.

This weeks challenge............GET BACK!!!!!!

get back to the gym.

get back to eating healthy.

get back my motivation, drive and desire.

get back into the habit.

get back to losing weight.

I have set some new short term goals that I want to post and share. I never tell anyone my weight...not even Jeffrey...one day maybe (sigh). So I will only post the amount of weight I plan on losing and then the actual weight I lost once the goal time has ended. Get it?

This week I just want to drop 1 lb. Not hard at all. I will report this time next week if I actually accomplished this or not. Which I will. So plan on hearing good things from me!

Eat breakfast every morning.

Motivational Quotes

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."-Jules Renard

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur."- Leo Tolstoy